The Secret Language of Children

By Lawrence E. Shapiro, Ph.D.

Few people would argue that open communication between a parent and child is one of the most important ingredients in building a bond of warmth and intimacy. When children feel that they are understood, and that they are confidently guided by their parents, teachers, and other caring adults, they develop a sense of security and self-confidence that forms the basis of their self-worth. In our increasingly complex and stressful world, psychologists have begun to feel that when adults find a way to communicate effectively with children at an early age the children become  people who are well-adjusted and who are less likely to suffer from the vast array of emotional and relationship problems that affect so many adults.

Perhaps the most compelling reason for adults to learn the secret language of children is to detect early signs of emotional or behavioral problems. Most psychological problems can be prevented or significantly diminished when they are addressed in their formative stage, even before symptoms appear. Many books have focused on recognizing the symptoms of psychological problems, but as we shall see, non-professionals can learn how to recognize signs of distress and conflict long before symptoms appear by understanding young people’s nonverbal communication, their art, their stories, and their play. 

Because play is such an important part of a child’s emotional development, it is the primary medium through which counselors and other mental-health professionals treat the emotional and behavioral problems of children under twelve.  Through play, counselors can teach self-control to children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and they can teach depressed children to find renewed joy in their lives. Using play, counselors can teach anxious and fearful children to overcome their worries and strive toward the challenges of new situations and people. Counselors use play to help children with any emotional or behavioral problem you can name, but the secrets of using play to help children with their emotional problems is certainly not limited to a mental-health setting.

A variety of programs, some in existence for over four decades, have found that parents and other non-professionals can be just as effective at helping their children through play as trained professionals are.  One such program, designed by Drs. Bernard and Louise Guerney at Penn State University, teaches parents how to use play therapy to help their children with a variety of common problems. Parents share their progress with other parents in group meetings, watching videotapes of their play sessions and inviting comments of how they can improve the quality of their play. The Guerneys’ research suggests that trained parents are typically just as effective as professional therapists in helping their children through play.

In my own practice, I frequently use lay to teach parents better ways of relating to their children. For example, when  parents complain to me that their child does not cooperate, I explain to them that some children seem to be naturally cooperative, but others may have a temperament that makes them more willful and stubborn. But all children can learn to be more cooperative through the secret language of play.  Emotional and behavioral skills like cooperativeness, self-control, empathy, emotional communication, or even just being polite are taught through games that are simple and fun.

Throughout  my career, I have concentrated on the use of games to teach children important emotional and behavioral skills.  An example this type of game is called, The Cooperative Robot Game.  I used this with Brian and his family when Brian was brought to me for his non-compliant and defiant behavior.

To play The Cooperative Robot, I asked Brian to stand between his parents, and hold their hands. I explained to the family: “In this game you have to function as a single unit—a cooperative robot. Brian, you are in the middle so you are the ‘brain.’ Mom and Dad, you are on the outside, so you each have one hand to use. Okay, Robot (talking now to the family unit), I want you to make yourself a peanut butter sandwich.” And I gave them a jar of peanut butter, a knife, and two pieces of bread.

Making a peanut butter sandwich is not as easy as you might think when three people are holding hands. But the object of the game is to learn to cooperate without bickering or blaming, and to have fun at the same time. This isn’t hard at all. In this game, as in other cooperative games, you either work together or you lose. Brian’s family, as with other families who have played this game, smiled and giggled throughout the task, and succeeded in making a sandwich.

But this was just the first step in helping Brian and his family. Games by their nature are most enjoyable when they are played over and over again, which is exactly why they are well suited toward emotional learning. I wrote down three tasks for The Cooperative Robot (Brian and his parents) to perform in the next week:

Any kind of game can be useful in encouraging a child’s emotional and behavioral development.  All adults need to do is to see  each game as a “teachable moment.”  Consider this list of important skills that can be taught in just a single game played with an adult and one or more children.

1. How to invite another child to play.
2. How to take turns.
3. How to follow game rules.
4. How to be a gracious winner.
5. How to be a gracious loser.
6. How to share toys or other playthings.
7. How to behave to get positive reinforcement from peers.
8. How to be flexible about one’s needs.
9. How to evaluate one’s social successes and failures.
10. How to read nonverbal cues of others.

As a child psychologist, I frequently find myself prescribing games for children to play in the home or the classroom which will help them with specific psychological problems.  A good example is the Feelings Ball Game, which is a surefire way to get children (or adults) to talk about their feelings.  Here’s how to play.

The Feelings Ball Game

Object of the Game: To get children in the habit of talking about their different feelings.

Ages: 4+

Number of Players: 2–10

Preparing the Game: You will need a beach ball and a permanent marker.

Inflate the ball and write down different feelings around the ball, such as happy, sad, angry, afraid, and so on. Choose feelings that are appropriate to a child’s age level. You can write down the same feelings three or four times to fill the space on a large ball.

The Rules:

An adult goes first to model how the game is played. Throw the ball up in the air, and then catch it with both hands. Look and see which “feelings word” is closest to your right thumb.

Now talk about the last time that you had that feeling.

Then throw the ball to the person on your right who must do the same thing.

Do not comment on what another person has said—just listen.

Continue until each player has had at least two turns.

Stories have a much greater influence on a child’s behavior and emotional development than most people realize. Stories help shape the emotional life of children. They teach values. They provide examples of how children can deal with common problems. Stories give children the words that they need to solve difficult problems. They open worlds of possibilities and foster a sense of purpose and hope.

While there are an increasing number of story books that are written to teach children values, or coping skills, I always believe that the stories that adults make up for children are more effective than any book you can buy.  I call these positive modeling stories, because they “model”  alternative ways for children to handle common problems.

A positive modeling story creates a recipe for success; it tells children how to behave to win praise and affection. In a positive modeling story, there are no threats, no warnings, and no mention of misbehavior at all. The simple steps to tell a positive modeling story are:

1. Choose a “hero” for the story who has problems like the child.

2. Create a problem that the hero of the story has to solve.

3. Create a solution to that problem that details exactly how you want the child to think or behave.

4. Create a positive, realistic ending.

The Story Game is a simple and fun game intended for children five to twelve which will help you create positive modeling stories with children.  It taps into children’s natural imagination, and rewards them for their creative efforts. But most of all, it is fun, because you are playing, too! Youngsters love to play games   enjoy nearly any opportunity to do this. The fact that the game might be good for them as well is an added bonus.

It will only take you a few minutes to make the Story Game. You will need a stack of index cards; about one hundred poker chips or pennies; three shoe boxes (or other small boxes); and some small toys, gum, or candy to use as prizes.

To begin, take a stack of twenty index cards and write down these “story starters” on the cards. Tell a story about:

1. Someone who is sad because he or she has no friends

2. Someone who loves to read

3. An animal that is lost

4. A trip to an amusement park

5. A man or woman who is fired from his or her job

6. Finding lost treasure

7. A circus that is damaged by a tornado

8. A superhero

9. A family that needs money

10. A child who wins a contest

11. A child who is afraid

12. A child who loves animals

13. A child who sees his parents fighting

14. A group of children who go camping

15. A child who is teased at school for being different

16. A child who is a great athlete

17. A child who moves to a new town with his or her family and has to go to a new school

18. A child who starts his or her own business and makes a lot of money

19. Someone that loses something important

20. A child who becomes a great musician

Now, take the three small boxes and fill the first one with poker chips (pennies will do if you don’t have chips). Fill the next box with the Story Starter Cards that you have made and shake them up so that the cards are mixed up. Fill the third box with some small prizes, like pieces of gum, stickers, or small toys. Now you are ready to play.

Tell the child: “Let me teach you a new game. It’s called the Story Game, and you and I are going to tell stories to each other. You can go first, because you are the youngest.

“I want you to reach into the Story Box and pull out a card. The card will tell you what kind of story to tell. It will help you start the story, but you must finish it

yourself.

“When you tell a story, you get two chips. Then I want you to tell me what the story means. This is the story’s moral or lesson. When you can figure out a moral or lesson for the story, then you get another chip!

“Then I’ll take a turn. I’ll pick a card, tell a story, and then think of a lesson, too. When you get nine chips, you get to close your eyes and pick from the Surprise Box!”

I recommend that you write the stories down or tape-record them if you want to become an expert in the secret language of stories, but it is not necessary to do this.

Now you’re ready to play. You and the child should take turns telling stories and determining their morals or lessons. This game will stimulate the child’s creativity and language development, and if you are like most families, you will find it an enjoyable and challenging activity. More importantly, it will also open a window into the inner workings of a child’s mind. 

The most important part of any story is the person who is telling it. When a child tells a spontaneous story, he is drawing not only from his own experiences, but his own values, wishes, concerns, and needs. Psychologists call this process “projection,” because the child is “projecting out” his inner self to be viewed by the outside world.

There are three important questions that you will ask yourself when trying to understand what a child’s story reveals about his emotional life. These are:

1. What is the attitude of the “hero” of the story?

2. How are problems solved?

3. What values does the story represent?

The Child Is the Hero of His Own Story

Psychologists assume that when a child tells a spontaneous story, the hero or main character of the story represents the child himself. This assumption is supported by the remarkable consistency that we see as a child relates a series of stories. For example, Joel, age seven, picked a card that said, “Tell a story about an animal at the zoo.” He told a story about a tiger that got loose from its cage and ate all the people at the zoo. Then he picked a card that said, “Tell a story about a storm.” He told a story about a thundercloud that looked for people to rain on while they were picnicking. When he picked a card that said, “Tell a story about a child who was lost,” he told a story about a girl who didn’t have any friends because all of the children she knew were “stupid and mean.” When asked what the girl did in the story when she was treated meanly, Joel replied, “She called her friends’ parents and told on them.”

Reviewing the themes of Joel’s stories, you do not need a Ph.D. to see that he is a very angry little boy who wants to get back at people for his perceived hurt. Each of his three stories have the same theme. In every story that Joel tells, the “hero” of the story is angry and vindictive. And yet as obvious as this may be to us, Joel does not see that this is so. When he was asked if the little girl in his last story reminded him of anyone special, Joel replied, “No, I don’t know any girls like that.” His concrete level of thinking does not allow him to step back from his stories and see that they are really about his own feelings. His feelings are a secret from himself.

Now when you listen to the secret meaning of a child’s story, think about what the main character in the story is like:

• Is he purposeful?

• Does he possess positive personality traits (friendly, helpful, kind)?

• Does he have predominantly positive feelings?

• Does he handle negative feelings appropriately?

• Does he have realistic goals?

Now, I want you to consider how the hero in a child’s stories solves problems. You probably noticed that half of the cards written for the Story Game describe positive and fun situations and half of the cards describe problems. Take notice of how a child makes up stories that are positively or negatively slanted. Children with a negative attitude will typically make bad things happen even when the story starters describe a positive subject. Children with a positive attitude toward themselves and their world will address negative situations as problems to be solved. Negative story starters will have positive endings.

You should also listen to the way that a child solves problems in his stories. Young children constantly hear stories where problems are primarily solved through the use of magic, and so naturally that is the type of story they tell. A fairy godmother waves her magic wand, and a bully turns into a frog. A boy develops superpowers and flies away from the forest filled with scary monsters.

As a child relates a story, listen to how he solves problems in the stories. Ask yourself these questions:

• What kind of an attitude does the main character have when approaching a problem?

• What is the main character’s point of view when the story starts out on a positive note?

• Is the problem solved by the main character or by someone else?

• Is the problem resolved in a way appropriate to the child’s age?

• Does the main character of the story have different ways to solve different problems, or just one way?

The moral or lesson that a child tells will give you important clues about how he solves problem.

Now it is your turn to tell a story.  When you make up stories to tell to children you have the opportunity to teach them to have a positive identity, to solve their own problems, and to learn important values and coping skills.

Art is one of the first balms used with children to help ease the pain of an emotional trauma. Art has an almost magical quality of being able to contain the powerful emotions that are triggered by a trauma without burying them. It is part of the therapy for traumatized children in many hospitals, foster homes, and shelters, and it is also used in much less dramatic situations. It is part of a counselor’s “tool box” in thousands of elementary schools and community clinics, helping children talk about their feelings of shyness, anxiety over a test, or the stress of being teased by other children. It is also a way that parents can communicate with their children about their innermost feelings.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly why art techniques are so useful in helping children express feelings that might otherwise be buried, or why it is so helpful in healing emotional pain. Like other aspects of the secret language, it seems to form a bridge between the emotional part of the brain, the limbic system, and their thinking part of the brain, the neocortex. Certainly art techniques bring a sense of familiarity and comfort to children (and adults as well) in periods of stress. These activities help them recall times and experiences when they felt more safe and secure.

Although we think of art as a visual medium, when it comes to children, it is really multi-sensory. The feel of a crayon on paper, the smell of play dough or clay, and the soft squishing sounds and giggles of finger painting are all important emotional triggers that can connect the child to wonderful world of their imaginations.

Psychologists point out that art is a way of gaining symbolic control over what would normally be an overwhelming, even terrifying experience. For example, Laura, age seven, was waiting in her hospital bed before her exploratory surgery. Laura’s nurse placed a sheet of paper on the fold-out table by her bed and said, “Let’s draw a picture of what this room is going to look like just a few hours from now,” the nurse said in a calm and reassuring tone. “You start out and draw yourself lying in this bed. Great! Now let me draw a cabinet over here and a table here, and a chair in the corner. Now I want you to draw all the family and friends who are going to come visit you this afternoon. Then draw some balloons and cards and teddy bears around the room, because all of the children get lots of pretty things to decorate their room after an operation. When you come back after your operation, we’ll see exactly how your picture matches your room.”

In the following days, Laura drew many pictures with the guidance and encouragement of her nurse. She drew a picture of herself lying on the operating table, with her team of doctors holding hands and smiling in the background. She drew a picture of the inside of her stomach and intestines where her pain came from, and then colored it over with a pink marker, which Laura explained, “would make it feel better.” Laura also drew her room at home, a picture of her best friend, and a picture of herself lying asleep and dreaming about going to Disney World.

With each picture, Laura gained a little more control over her feelings. As she continued to draw, she was able to visualize more positive concrete images. At the same time, she felt a little less anxiety and physical pain. Each picture helped her take another step toward better health. Psychologists point out that keeping hospitalized children involved in interesting activities takes their mind off their pain, and that they subsequently need less pain medication, making them more alert and self-aware, and better able to participate in their treatment.

The secret language of art has many purposes. One of the most important is to help children learn about their feelings. For example, once when I was working as a school psychologist, I was using the secret language of art to help Paul, age eight, cope with the loss of his father, who had died of cancer. Of all the art materials that I kept in a box in my office, Paul preferred clay. At one session, he took a red stick of clay and broke into dozens of little pieces. I watched him as he intently made each piece into a red ball, and, when he was done, I asked him what he had done. “These are the cancer cells that killed my father,” Paul replied with undisguised malice in his voice. “Now I’m going to kill them.” And he smashed every one of the “cancer balls” with a small rubber mallet. With each stroke, he made a comment like “There, that will show you!” or “I got you stupid cancer.”

The Family Museum

The Family Museum is an art activity that I often recommend to help children express their values and learn the values of adults. Begin by taking a piece of paper and drawing four squares to serve as pedestals in the Family Museum. Then ask the child to place objects in the museum that are important to the whole family. The objects that the child places in the picture will give you a sense of his beliefs about what he thinks are most important in the family. Now try this activity yourself, and share your picture with the child. Place objects in your version of the museum that represent the values that you want to teach a child. Talk about what you are thinking as you draw.

Draw a Wish

Ask the  child to make a wish and draw a picture of what she is wishing for. Does she want something for herself, like a new bike, or something for someone else? Perhaps she will wish for something abstract, like world peace. Notice the child’s expression and body language as she draws, and see if she is enjoying this activity. If she is like most of us, simply thinking about fulfilling a wish is satisfying. Do not feel that you have to bring this activity back into the real world with a comment like, “Maybe you can save up and get your bike.” After all, wishes don’t always come true. A comment like “I hope that your wishes always make you happy” will be enough.

Color Your Day

The Color Your Day Technique is a simple activity I recommend to give children an opportunity to share their feelings at the end of the day through a simple drawing.

Begin by explaining to the child that different colors represent different feelings. In Western culture, certain colors are associated with certain feelings. For example, red often means angry, blue means sad, yellow means happy, and so on. But over the years, I have found that children have their own “color code” for feelings, and we must respect their code even if it is different than ours. For example, one boy told me that the color pink made him feel “sad,” because his father used to live in a pink house and he had moved away two years ago.

To begin the Color Your Day technique, ask the child to pick five to eight different crayons to represent five to eight different feelings. Four- and five-year-olds know basic feelings like happy, sad, afraid, brave, and mad. Between six and eight, children begin to understand at least a dozen more subtle feelings, including embarrassed, shy, joyful, guilty, and so on.

Now give the child a sheet of paper and say, “This piece of paper represents your day. Color in this piece of paper to represent the different feelings that you had today.”

Some children make abstract drawings using the different colors to express their feelings. Sometimes the drawings are no more than a series of shapes and lines in different colors. Other children draw a more realistic picture, using different colors to represent their feelings about different people or situations.

The Secret Language of Non-Verbal Behavior

Most adults are not consciously aware of the nonverbal exchanges that they have with children. They wrongly assume that their communication involves only what they say to children and what the children say to them. But in a classic study of how people interact, it was found that only 7 percent of emotional meaning is expressed in words. The majority of our emotional communication, over 50 percent, is expressed through our body language. The other 30–40 percent is expressed through voice tone, volume, and inflection, what scientists refer to as our “paralanguage.”

Unfortunately, I see examples of poor nonverbal communication between adults  and children almost every day. Recently, I observed a scene in a bookstore where a mother quietly asked her six-year-old to return a book that he was reading to the shelf so that they could go and do more errands. “Honey, please put the book away,” she said sweetly, but her son just ignored her. “We need to go now,” she said, with an absentminded tone in her voice, as she picked up her own book off the shelf, doing exactly the opposite of what she just told her son to do. “I mean it,” she said, with a little more force in her voice, but still looking through her own book. “I mean it,” she said again, but neither she nor her son moved a muscle. Then the mother looked at her watch, and apparently realizing that she was late, loudly admonished her son. “Did you hear what I said?” she asked angrily, and pulled the book out of his hands and returned it to the shelf. Then she grabbed the stunned boy under the arm and led him out of the store.

Problems in Non-Verbal Behavior

We usually take it for granted that children learn the language of non-verbal behavior as they grow, just as they learn about the spoken language. But in fact some children have difficult learning oral or written language and some have difficulty learning non-verbal language as well.  An estimated 10% of children may have a non-verbal learning disability, and  because of this problem, may have difficulty playing with other children, or meeting the expectations of adults. Sometimes they are referred to as “behavior problems,” when in actuality they a problem reading the common non-verbal cues that most of us take for granted.   The following are some examples of behavior which might indicate that  a child has a non-verbal learning disability.

1. The child has a poor sense of time and timing for his or her age.

2. The child has difficulty following verbal directions, even though he or she is trying to cooperative.

3. The child doesn’t seem to “fit in” with other children of the same age, and prefers being alone or playing with younger children.

4. The child has problems with personal space. He or she is often reprimanded for hanging on to another child.

5. The child is extremely shy and is always alone.

6. The child is frequently teased by other children for his or her appearance or mannerisms.

7. The child’s teacher describes him or her as having social problems at school.

8. The child has difficulty playing with other children. Many games end in hurt feelings or arguments.

9. The child is too aggressive or with other children. He or she doesn’t seem to learn from experience.

10. You feel that the child is too passive and is always trying to please other children.

Children with non-verbal learning disabilities can be helped, just like children with other kinds of learning and language problems.

Here are some examples of things you can do.

Take pictures of the child in the following poses, and talk about each pose while you look at the pictures. Hang the pictures that show positive emotions on a wall or even tape them onto the bathroom mirror so that the child sees them every day. Showing the child positive pictures of himself is the nonverbal equivalent of teaching him to give himself a daily pep talk (what people sometimes call “affirmations”). The more that children see positive images of themselves, the more likely they will be aware of their posture in their day-to-day life.

Take pictures of the child in the following poses:

• Like a superhero

• Like someone who hasn’t slept for three days

• Like someone who has just won a race and is getting a medal

• Like someone who is afraid of something

• Like someone who just got a compliment from his or her teacher

• Like someone who has just been made fun of

• Like someone who is being interviewed for a television show

It is also important for adults to be aware of their own non-verbal behavior. When adults are successful in teaching or helping children, we often find that they have highly developed skills in “connecting with children,” through their body language.  Here are some things to keep in mind.

Removing Barriers and Creating an “Intimate” Space

When you are trying to make a connection with a child, it is important to give him your full and undivided attention. Many people don’t realize that even when they are trying to be open, available, and interested, they still give off the impression of being guarded and defensive. This is because they put barriers between themselves and the persons they are talking to.

A barrier can be any physical object that is placed between you and a child: a book or newspaper, your sewing, the kitchen table, the laundry that you’re folding on your lap. Barriers also include the common disruptions that occur in every household: the phone ringing, loud music from another room, the comings and goings of another family member. If you are serious about connecting with a child, then you must try to eliminate all of these interruptions.

Even better than just removing barriers, you can create an intimate space for you and a child, which will encourage closeness and warmth. Perhaps you have comfortable pillows that you can put on the floor to define a physical space separating you and a child from the rest of the room. Or maybe you are lucky enough to be near a park where you can find a grassy spot that will be a special place for you and the child to go and connect. A child  will likely respond to your nonverbal efforts without really being able to define what is different about you. But believe me, you will feel the difference in your relationship immediately.

Use an “Open” Posture and Be on the Same Level

When I am working with a parent and child in counseling, I frequently invite them to play together. I’ll ask the child to select a toy or game from my bookshelf, and bring it over to the center of the room. Then I wait to see what happens. At least half of the time, the child takes a seat on the carpet, and the parent remains in the chair, even though they are supposedly playing together.

Your posture and eye level says a lot about your desire to be with your child, and it is something that you child immediately picks up on. Facing away from the child, or sitting with closed body language, with your legs crossed or your arms folded across your lap, will give the child the nonverbal message that you are only half-present. To give a child your full attention, sit facing him at the same eye level, and make sure that your posture conveys a relaxed and attentive attitude. Ask the child to do the same by saying something like, “Let’s face each other when we talk. That way we can see as well as hear what the other person is saying.”

Find a Comfortable Distance

Physical distance is an important issue in all emotional communication. Most young children want to be close to their parents and would rather sit on your lap than sit next to you. A typical teenager, on the other hand, would just as soon be on the other side of the room. Researchers tell us that a good distance for a personal conversation is between eighteen inches and four feet. Closer than this is considered a person’s intimate space, and is fine for hugs and cuddles or good-natured roughhousing, but it is not good for a conversation. One reason is that when we get too close to another person, it is more difficult to make prolonged eye contact, and eye contact is probably the most important aspect of feeling emotionally connected.

Pay Attention to What You and Your Child Say to Each Other Using Eye Contact

Joel, an ex-marine who considered himself a strict but loving father, demanded that his two boys, ages twelve and fourteen, look at him when he talked. Even if they were eating a meal, he expected them to put down their forks or spoons and make eye contact with him when he was speaking. Joel believed that making eye contact with someone was a sign of respect, and that avoiding eye contact was a sign of disrespect and weakness. But Joel was oversimplifying this aspect of emotional communication.

While it is true that you need to look at someone to take in the subtle forms of nonverbal communication, sustained eye contact is not natural to the way that people converse. Making and breaking eye contact is necessary for a fluid give-and-take conversation. People normally break eye contact when they stop to think about something, and look back when they want to express their thoughts or hear the thoughts of the person. You and the child also use eye contact to establish the rhythm of your conversation. Speakers make eye contact less than listeners, but signal that they are ready to listen when they glance at the speaker and wait for a response.

Paying attention to your eye contact as you talk or play with a child can be a good way to gauge your relationship. As you look at a child and he looks at you, you should also pay attention to other aspects of his facial expression. When his eyes are open wide and his eyebrows are raised, he is showing interest. When he is covering part of his face with his hands or giving you a forced smile, he may be only giving you half of his attention. If you don’t feel connected to the child during a conversation, trust your intuition. Try changing the subject or telling a joke. Try doing an activity together that you both enjoy, like cooking or playing a game of catch. Making an effort to connect with the child will give him the most important message: “I will find a way to show you how I care for you.”

 There are many other aspects to using the secret of language with children to help them in their development.  Everyone has their own “secrets” about what works well with children and what does not. This most important “secret” is simply enjoying children at their own level. When you are with a child or group of children and you are smiling and laughing, your feelings will never be a secret from them.  This is the most important thing that children need.